Wondering “why do I self-sabotage even when things are going well?” This deep-dive explores the psychology of self-sabotage, trauma responses, ADHD burnout, and how to break the cycle — from someone who’s been there.
Have you been stuck asking “Why Do I Self-Sabotage Even When Things Are Going Well?”
I don’t know if there’s a more insidious feeling than realizing…
you’re ruining your own progress.
The job interview goes great — you ghost the follow-up.
You’re eating healthy — then binge hard for three days.
The relationship feels good — so you pick a fight.
You’re finally ahead — and suddenly, you’re doing everything to fall behind.
You ask yourself the same question over and over:
Why do I self-sabotage even when things are going well?
And here’s the truth that took me years to say out loud:
Because “well” doesn’t feel safe.
Because I’ve trained myself to survive chaos — not peace.
Table of Contents
🧨 What Is Self-Sabotage, Really?
It’s not laziness. It’s not being “bad at adulting.”
It’s not just a lack of discipline or willpower.
Self-sabotage is when your actions (or inactions) directly block the goals, peace, or success you consciously want.
That can look like:
- Procrastinating something you actually care about
- Saying yes to things you don’t want, then resenting them
- Picking fights with people who love you
- Ghosting opportunities you asked for
- “Forgetting” to do what you promised yourself
- Making reckless decisions just to feel something
And the wild part is:
We’re usually aware we’re doing it.
We just feel powerless to stop. Sometimes even asking the question Why Do I Self-Sabotage Even When Things Are Going Well keeps you looping and stuck.
🧠 Why Your Brain Might Be Wired to Ruin Good Things
If you grew up with:
- Inconsistent love
- Chaotic or abusive environments
- Punishment after success
- High pressure with low safety
- Unrealistic expectations
…then your nervous system probably learned to associate relief with risk.
When things start going well:
- You get anxious.
- You wait for the crash.
- You start pulling away — before life can yank it away first.
- Then you ask yourself Why Do I Self-Sabotage Even When Things Are Going Well?
- Loop starts again
In psychology, this is often linked to:
- C-PTSD and complex trauma
- Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) common in ADHD
- Imposter syndrome
- Fear of success (yes, it’s real)
- Hypervigilance as a survival mechanism
🔗 Psychology Today – Why We Sabotage Ourselves
⚡️ ADHD + Self-Sabotage = Brutal Loop
For those of us with ADHD, self-sabotage hits different.
It’s not just about fear — it’s also about executive dysfunction.
What happens:
- You get bored even when things are working
- You forget important steps until the last minute
- You overcommit during hyperfocus — then burn out
- You avoid the next step out of shame, not defiance
And let’s be real:
Sometimes chaos is familiar.
Sometimes chaos feels easier than growth.
🔗 CHADD: ADHD and Emotional Dysregulation
🕵️♀️ Spotting the Self-Sabotage Spiral in Real Time
You won’t always feel like you’re sabotaging.
Sometimes it shows up as anxiety. Other times, a false sense of “meh, I don’t care anymore.” Then that I don’t care can quickly turn into self sabotage and you are back in the same boat asking Why Do I Self-Sabotage Even When Things Are Going Well…
Here’s how it sneaks in:
🚨 Micro-patterns of sabotage:
- You “forget” to respond to emails that move your project forward
- You reschedule things you actually wanted — and then feel relieved
- You start fights with people who give you what you asked for
- You get productive in the wrong direction (like deep cleaning instead of applying for something big)
- You obsess over the one thing that isn’t perfect, and use it as an excuse to quit
If you’ve done any of this lately… that’s not failure.
It’s your nervous system trying to “protect” you from uncertainty.
It’s irrational — but it’s not uncommon.
✍️ Journal Ideas That Call Your Bullsh*t (Gently)
Use these when you feel that resistance bubbling up:
- What am I afraid might happen if this actually works out?
- When in my past did success lead to pain or punishment?
- What version of me do I fear I’ll have to “kill off” to step into this next chapter?
- If I trusted that things could stay good, what would I do differently this week?
- What’s the story I’m telling myself about who I’m “allowed” to be?
Reminder: Self-sabotage isn’t about failure — it’s about fear.
And fear gets quieter when it’s named.
🛠️ Tools to Interrupt the Spiral
Sometimes you need to interrupt the pattern before you understand it.
Here are some real-life tactics I’ve used (and still use):
1. Name it out loud
Say: “I’m doing that thing where I ruin things that are going well. That doesn’t mean I have to keep doing it.” I can stop doing that thing instead of acting powerless, doing it, then looping in my head “Why Do I Self-Sabotage Even When Things Are Going Well”
2. Set up “success anchors”
Keep a note in your phone called “Reasons I Want This.” Re-read it when sabotage shows up.
3. Create low-barrier commitments
Instead of “finish everything by Friday,” try: “Work on it for 25 minutes.” Small wins build trust.
4. Use “future me” language
Say: “Future me deserves to feel proud.” It reconnects you to your why.
5. Text a friend with zero context
Just: “Hey I feel like self-sabotaging again.” No need to explain — just break the isolation.
🧘♀️ To Conclude: Safety Before Success
If you’re asking “why do I self-sabotage even when things are going well?”, what you’re really asking is:
“Why doesn’t peace feel safe to me yet?”
Self-sabotage isn’t about weakness.
It’s about learned defense mechanisms that once protected you — and now just keep you stuck.
You don’t need to “fix” yourself to succeed.
You just need to build a new definition of safety.
One where calm isn’t a threat. Where joy isn’t suspicious. Where your nervous system doesn’t scream when the chaos goes quiet.
That’s the real work. And you’re already doing it — just by noticing.
💬 FAQ: Why Do I Self-Sabotage Even When Things Are Going Well?
1. Is self-sabotage always conscious?
No. Much of it runs beneath the surface — like avoidance, delay, or numbing. But the effects are very real.
2. Can ADHD cause self-sabotage?
Yes. Executive dysfunction, impulsivity, and burnout all make consistent progress harder — even when intentions are solid.
3. Is self-sabotage linked to trauma?
Often. People who experienced unpredictable or unsafe environments may associate success with risk or loss.
4. What are signs of self-sabotage?
Delaying actions that matter, minimizing your achievements, emotionally withdrawing, or “accidentally” creating chaos.
5. Why do I ruin things right before they go well?
This can be a fear of success or fear of exposure. Many people sabotage before a breakthrough because they feel undeserving or anxious about being seen.
6. How do I stop self-sabotaging relationships?
Work on identifying your triggers, communicating openly, and seeking patterns. Therapy (especially trauma-informed) can help deeply.
7. Is fear of success real?
Yes. Some people fear that success will bring pressure, loss of identity, or distance from others — which can be deeply destabilizing.
8. Why do I ghost opportunities I actually wanted?
Internalized beliefs like “I don’t deserve this” or “they’ll regret picking me” can trigger retreat, even from desired outcomes.
9. What does healing from self-sabotage look like?
It’s slow and layered. You start trusting peace more. You resist less. You notice sooner and recover faster.
10. Can meds help ADHD-related sabotage?
They can help regulate executive function and mood, which might reduce sabotage behaviors tied to overwhelm or impulsivity.
11. Is self-sabotage a form of self-harm?
Sometimes. If it’s tied to low self-worth or punishment cycles, it can serve as a more socially acceptable form of harm.
12. What’s the first step I should take?
Name it. Even just saying “I think I’m self-sabotaging” opens the door to interrupting it. That’s powerful.
🧠 About ADHD Goat
ADHD Goat is a radically honest blog for the neurodivergent, the queer, the overwhelmed, and the emotionally fried.
We write the things most blogs won’t touch — about identity, ADHD, trauma, mental health, sexuality, and the messy in-between.
If you’ve ever felt “too much,” “not enough,” or just not built for this world, you’re exactly who we’re writing for.
👉 Learn more about ADHD Goat
✍️ About the Author: Jenny Mirah
Hi, I’m Jenny Mirah — neurodivergent, anxious, and somehow still functioning (barely).
I live with ADHD, anxiety, and a brain that resists routine like it’s a full-time job.
I write about the things that I wish someone had written for me — unfiltered, real, and maybe a little too honest.
When I’m not spiraling, I’m probably writing about spiraling.
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